Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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