I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
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Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
cat food counts as protein by the way
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
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yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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