he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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