why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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