I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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