I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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