just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The adults are the big ones right?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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