Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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