I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
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about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
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she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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