I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
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The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
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I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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