i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
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I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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