i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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