I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
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He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize