I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Less talking, more tequila
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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