Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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