Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
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You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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