It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
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trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
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I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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