I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize