I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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