he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
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I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
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If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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