my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the barista slut.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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