I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
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i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
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Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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