either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
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She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Mom said you looked used
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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