I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
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That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
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Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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