Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
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I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
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I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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