Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
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I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
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Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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