Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
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We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
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I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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