When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
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It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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