and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize