no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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