sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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