So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
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In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
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When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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