i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
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Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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