i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
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Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
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when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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