can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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