Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize