Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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