cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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