Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
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You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
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Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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