I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize