In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
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Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
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I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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