Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That accounts for only three of the penises
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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