I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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