i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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