Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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