two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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