If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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