I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
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The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
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I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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