My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
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I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
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He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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