She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
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I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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